Guilt has ran my life for quit awhile as the program. The feelings of guilt is gut wrenching for me and I tend to get quit unhappy and depressed when I guilt myself out.
One of the biggest examples of guilt for me is trying to please others and not myself, and then feeling guilty that I didn’t listen to myself or my gut. Weird, just as I was writing this I found out the following (if I don’t listen to my gut I get a gut wrenching feeling afterword’s.)
The gut wrenching feeling that I have is the same feeling I have had since I was a young boy. I have been telling myself for a long time that I don’t know what is best for me in certain situations. It’s like another entity is telling me what to do at times and not truly listening to my inner self.
While living in the guilt and unhappiness I have been saying to myself for a long time why me and playing the victim. I have also blamed other people in my life for my miss fortunes such as my parents, girlfriends, ex wife and friends. But the biggest person I blamed for my miss fortunes is my self, and oh my god the things I would say to myself I would not even say to my worst enemy. I have blamed God for my miss fortunes as well.
I have beat myself up so badly at times with guilt that I would think to myself what is the point of life and would just isolate myself from life. After awhile I would pick myself up and start feeling better about myself. But the same pattern would unfold after awhile with guilt. With these feelings I have I would mask them with alcohol, drugs, cigarettes and living in fear.
For the last 3 and a half years I have been on this path of discovery and have found out that the biggest issue I have had is believing in my lies that I tell myself. Such as I’m not that smart, I’m ugly, I don’t deserve to have a better life. I have been trying my best not to believe in my lies and to change my belief system in a positive way. I see that I have lived in lies for 40 years, lies that I tell myself and lies from other people.
By practicing not believing in my lies and not believing other peoples lies has been a struggle. I have felt that the parasite does not want to give up certain lies and the character is very tricky into miss leading my true authentic self.
I see that if I keep on practicing not believing and being in silence and listening to my true authentic self I will feel that wholeness and freedom that I have been aching for all of my life.
Peace and Love
Peace and Love
