YES!!

Living in Bewilderment

This morning I became aware that my experience of trying to live a more "spiritual" life has led me to a state of bewilderment. I feel bewildered most of the time, trying to chase myself and beliefs and theories through an array of  life experiences.   Because I distrust the way the world is presented to me, I have tried to understand it on my own terms, through my own perceptions, awarenesses and evolving beliefs.  But in some ways, that has led to a restless and slightly frenzied state of mind. A new year has begun, and for today, I  decided to think of myself as a new baby, born only for 8 days. Could I see life through new eyes and awareness? How would that "emptiness" feel? But really, why would I want to do that? Why do I want to dismiss all the messy and glorious thoughts and beliefs that have helped to define  my understanding of life and reality. Everything, after all, is relative. And everything valued.  One thing I know is that  I am SO tired of thinking that the spiritual life is a problem to solve; a mystery to "crack". What a crushing and artificial way to view my life. Somehow I am growing to appreciate the Buddhist vision of humanity as a bed of lotuses that grow in the mud, and gradually "unfold" intrinsically into a beautiful lotus. By their nature, they simply become themselves, in their full fruition. They don't search and question.  It seems so much more accepting and generous and gentle.  Yes, I'd rather tap into my lotus potential!! It seems  more encouraging than adopting my "problem solving" approach. Developing techniques for becoming "more aware" seem increasingly unsatisfying and manipulative. I'll never fully understand "spiritual truth" with the head, so why don't I just relax and experience everything more fully, and not worry about finding answers to my questions. Maybe there just aren't any definitive answers; just moments of grace, surprise and wonder. Aha - maybe bewilderment is the first movement towards  unfolding as a  lotus flower.  ( oh oh, there I go again; trying to define and nail down those moments of grace). And the beat goes on.... and the beat goes on....
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE ... from the Baby Lotus...( the view from my mud cradle is great!)

HAPPY NEW YEAR AND HOLY-DAYS

I was just listening to a podcast of Jeff Foster, who jokingly had said that he could have entitled his new book, instead of The Deepest Acceptance .............  The Deepest Deflation
Ha ha. 
I could relate to this. That sometimes the work brings me to the realization that it is all very simple, so simple that it is not even exciting or rewarding , in the way I imagined it would be.