Our Vows to Ourselves

Hello Merry Ones,  down below are the vows that I collected through old emails that some of us put together back in October 2009.  
While looking for the email vows I also found this email that Susan sent to the group back in 2009 describing her dreams that she had.  I reread it and wow did it ever touch me deeper this time around.  Thank you all for you teachings!

I will listen to myself

I will not hurt myself

I will trust myself

I will be disciplined and not allow the parasite to hook me out
of my discipline.

I will keep looking for myself even
though I can't find myself.

I will be kind to myself.

I will put new awareness into action

I will honor all my authentic feelings whether they be positive or negative.

I will tune in each moment and decide whether to express or not

I will live the unknown

I will be present where I am emotionally

I will be patient with myself

I will tune in to Life

I will trust myself to look at/feel whatever emotion comes up for me.

I vow to be more authentic with myself.

I vow to accept my feelings without judgement.

I vow to sit in my feelings of needing to give and explore it more.

Bring “awareness” to every moment

Become friends with “ doubt”! Find the truth in it.

"I will spend time with my feelings with a gentle non-judgmental attitude."

I will not judge myself and others

I will respect myself and others.

I will not get hooked on others emotional manipulations.

I will provide my own encouragement.

I will know that I am life - selfishness cannot exist....(sort of a way of reinforcing that I am life and that loving me and all that I am is loving everyone and so it is...)

    * know nothing
    * Embrace denial
    * Trust whatever
    * Feel my emotions
    * Stop with the stories( re-framed, be aware of the stories,yet not believe them)
    * Enter the mystery
    * Put my relationship with Self/self first
    * I can and will...



For the past week I had dreamt 2 versions of the same dream. On Friday night of our Toltec weekend, I experienced the dream again. The dream involved a terrible crime of ruthless death and butchery. A team of detectives, all dressed in black suits and hats arrived at my house, telling me that I was charged with murder and they had a warrant to go through my house. I kept telling them that I didn't know what they were talking about, but as they fanned out into my rooms, they discovered dessicated limbs, fingers, legs and head of a body. I was terrified and insisted that I was a good person, and not capable of such a horrible act. And yet, the detectives were so insistent and so powerful in their numbers that I began to doubt myself, and wondered if in fact I was involved in this heinous murder. It didn't seem possible to my rational mind, and yet at a deeper level, there was a nagging truth to it all. At dawn, I awoke with a start, and tried to dialogue with the imagery.

When our toltec group regrouped in the morning, it turned out that we had all experienced disturbed sleeps and dreams. Lennie in her wisdom, advised us to go into the energy of the dreams, without the stories, and try to connect with the emotions. As I started to move into a meditative state, I felt my dream was perhaps calling me to recognize the shadow side of my capacity for violence, denial, manipulation, and to explore my deep fear of punishment for committing this violent crime. To the ego level, I did not recognize myself in the dream, nevertheless its symbolism was loud, and I was willing to sit with the energy to see where it led. From where I started in the dream, to where I ended in the meditation was quite a surprising evolution. As I descended into the dream, I found myself grief stricken and filled with guilt for my act of murder, and even more crushed thinking about the pain of punishment. A voice suddenly emerged, saying ' there is no punishment, only forgiveness; surrender to the grief, the feelings, and through surrender you will find forgiveness". The voice continued, " don't abandon your belly... process and release quickly to let new energy flow".

Almost from another dimension, I heard a commanding voice say " pick up the pieces", and with those words, I found myself transplanted into the ocean. I found my body being reassembled and all those murdered and lost pieces pulled out the water into a large "spirit canoe". Inside the canoe is an atmosphere of ceremony and silent holiness. All parts of my murdered body and self are being treated as "sacred objects", honored, and clothed in ceremonial garb. As I sit embraced in the "spirit canoe", the tenderness, forgiveness and compassion is almost too much to bear. I cry out that I am not worthy. I am a murderer, let me drown. No one seems to hear me, and as I look through the night, I see that this beautiful canoe is being paddled by the "detectives" who came to investigate the murder. They are now in warrior ceremonial gear, and hold a wonderful masculine energy as they move the canoe forward with their paddling. At the back of the canoe, a grandmother directs the paddlers. As I look through the darkness, I see that there are hundreds of these "spirit canoes" being paddled in the silent darkness of the night, picking up lost pieces of the world. Everywhere I feel this silent co-operation between the paddlers; a deep knowingness, holiness and grace that I cannot even begin to understand with my brain...

I realized that the "murdered" person in my house was really myself. I had shattered my body ad broken my heart, but still when the grandmother told me to go and "pick up the pieces", I was shocked to find them alive and vibrating. I thought they were dead, but she said " this is your authentic self" - can you hear it calling you back?" What a miracle that my authenticity was still alive, even though I had tried to kill it and conceal the evidence. The "detective team" arrived, not to punish me for my crime, but to help me to solve it, so that I could heal and become renewed and rebirthed in the "spirit canoe". As the canoe glided across the calm deep water, tears rolled down my cheeks in deep gratitude for this dream experience. It was about the power of death and rebirth to myself and the world, and to the power and presence of mystery waiting to be birthed.

Gathering in Nanaimo in May, 2013

Dear All, 
thought of everyone (us) when I saw this artwork. Looking forward to seeing you all this weekend.  love.

YES!!

Living in Bewilderment

This morning I became aware that my experience of trying to live a more "spiritual" life has led me to a state of bewilderment. I feel bewildered most of the time, trying to chase myself and beliefs and theories through an array of  life experiences.   Because I distrust the way the world is presented to me, I have tried to understand it on my own terms, through my own perceptions, awarenesses and evolving beliefs.  But in some ways, that has led to a restless and slightly frenzied state of mind. A new year has begun, and for today, I  decided to think of myself as a new baby, born only for 8 days. Could I see life through new eyes and awareness? How would that "emptiness" feel? But really, why would I want to do that? Why do I want to dismiss all the messy and glorious thoughts and beliefs that have helped to define  my understanding of life and reality. Everything, after all, is relative. And everything valued.  One thing I know is that  I am SO tired of thinking that the spiritual life is a problem to solve; a mystery to "crack". What a crushing and artificial way to view my life. Somehow I am growing to appreciate the Buddhist vision of humanity as a bed of lotuses that grow in the mud, and gradually "unfold" intrinsically into a beautiful lotus. By their nature, they simply become themselves, in their full fruition. They don't search and question.  It seems so much more accepting and generous and gentle.  Yes, I'd rather tap into my lotus potential!! It seems  more encouraging than adopting my "problem solving" approach. Developing techniques for becoming "more aware" seem increasingly unsatisfying and manipulative. I'll never fully understand "spiritual truth" with the head, so why don't I just relax and experience everything more fully, and not worry about finding answers to my questions. Maybe there just aren't any definitive answers; just moments of grace, surprise and wonder. Aha - maybe bewilderment is the first movement towards  unfolding as a  lotus flower.  ( oh oh, there I go again; trying to define and nail down those moments of grace). And the beat goes on.... and the beat goes on....
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE ... from the Baby Lotus...( the view from my mud cradle is great!)

HAPPY NEW YEAR AND HOLY-DAYS

I was just listening to a podcast of Jeff Foster, who jokingly had said that he could have entitled his new book, instead of The Deepest Acceptance .............  The Deepest Deflation
Ha ha. 
I could relate to this. That sometimes the work brings me to the realization that it is all very simple, so simple that it is not even exciting or rewarding , in the way I imagined it would be.

Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters

I read this poem, and it  struck me as a great summary of the Toltec journey!!

I
I walk down the street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost - I am helpless
It isin't my fault,
It takes forever to find a way out

II
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isin't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit ... but,
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault
I get out immediately

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street!!!!

Description of Our Merry Band

PICNIC WITH RUMI

Out beyond ideas of right and wrong
There is a field
And out beyond that field

There is a harbour

Pack your bags
I'll meet you there

We'll sail out together
Into the vastness of night
With only the breeze to guide us
No idea where we're going
No idea when we'll return

Sometimes we'll doubt ourselves
Often we'll want to turn back
But the ocean will always remind us
That we had no choice
And never did

And then one morning
In the warm glow of sunrise
In that perfect calm
After a perfect storm
We will disappear

Leaving the vast ocean
And a cool southwesterly breeze
Blowing an empty boat
To destinations unknown

They will search for us
They will assume we went under
But we will know otherwise

And we will picnic with Rumi
Laughing like children
In that field
Beyond right and wrong


- by Jeff Foster