I seem to be shifting from one extreme to another. Was so deep in my "blissful state" that I tripped myself up. Today a family encounter so triggered me I was drawn back into an old default position. At same time felt like I was in a dreamworld observing my reactions with a calm detachment that wanted me to stay present and not withdraw into guilt!!! After feeling so heightened at saltspring, it felt so harsh to find myself reacting with old patterns. Wow, the power of habit! I recognize this old energy and used the standing stalking to clear it out. Lots of different emotions have surfaced in last 24 hours; maybe old energy wanting to be transformed.
Yes, do be aware of old habits/old energy. Check in with yourself, what do you choose? to see what learning is presenting, or if you know what the learning is, what action to be taken?
Yes, talk about an energy shift. For me too. I came home to a confusing upset at work involving my son. My boss even went so far as to say that she does not consider Caley an employee, just someone that I get to cover my own shifts. Yet she made a big to-do in the beginning, by saying she had to interview him (though she had never interviewed any other employee before or since!!!!) and she did and SHE hired him.
What was the upset? He emailed her and asked her for a character reference. He had meant to say work reference and corrected it with another email. She basically said because he wouldn't take no for the first email that he was harassing her and maybe he shouldn't even work at the care home.......
So, with awareness I can feel that my default position is to completely freak out. "Its not fair" Its crazy. I can't trust her. Then I feel it spiraling up to, I hate my job. I want to quit.
Then ALL manner of paranoid thoughts are flooding in. "What else does she think?" "Does she secretly hate me?" Are the other workers in on it?"
Now, I can tune into the energy we felt Saturday. Remember?
No thoughts.. Easy still presence. Life takes care of itself. I don't need to read anything into this.
The buck stops here.
I don't believe the thoughts. What will unfold....will unfold. It won't be because I am in there fiddling with it. Caley already told me to back off and not to worry about it. He will get another job somewhere else.
Oh but the Unfairness!, screams my mind!
It REALLY is not worth losing that peace that I had. It really isn't. I am breathing deep right now. Just writing it out here is helping. I can focus on the problem and give it more reality or I can focus on Self Love and Self Care and make THAT a reality.
I went swimming yesterday at the Sooke River....I thought there couldn't be a more beautiful place than Nanaimo River.....but there is!!! It was paradise!! Scotia and I and the 2 dogs swam up river, from deep pool to cascading waterfull to whirl pool to deep chasm to another gorgeous waterfall ....it was magic. I will post a photo on the blog.
The standing stalking is the MOST powerful tool for me now. I came away from our week-end very detached and spaced out. Like I was floating over myself. I haven't felt the triggers I usually fall for. This morning after two days in La La Land, I did the standing staking. It helped bring me back into my world, blend the two realities. I feel like the way I was on Salt Spring was so new and welcomed that I wanted to escape into it. Like it was a powerful drug and I didn't have control of it, just floated blissfully along. This morning I woke with a start, like I'd been asleep at the wheel. I stalked the disconnect. I wrote out Lennie's words of wisdom "Yes, do be aware of old habits/old energy. Check in with myself, what do I choose? See what learning is presenting, or if I know what the learning is, what action to be taken?" I put this on my bathroom mirror. It seems a helpful careful way to live both realities.
Thank-you everyone.
I came home to know internet (I am finally at the library)...someone took my IP address apparently! Wierd how I feel disconnected without it yet I am watching it. watching me in it. It seems as other problems come up that they (the problems) are there to show me that they can be there and I can float through them. Feeling a level of watching, but also a level of being with them, in them with no attachment...I am also in that space...I don't really want to do anything, just be in it, just watch and giggle...bought a meditation tape as I am going to get serious about that...but nothing else
Amazing day today - such synchronicities that seemed the Universe was shining down... everything flowed. My inner life feels powerful and connected. Today. I feel very clear and grounded. No expectations, at least right now.
I did not bring this up over the weekend, but there has been a lot of conflict for me about my husband working in the Middle East, me living here... we never formally agreed to separate, but ended up living half way around the world from each other. He emailed over the weekend saying that he's decided to leave Dubai and come home. I've been asking him for the past 18 months to do just that, and his reply has been no. For whatever reasons. So now I'm conflicted about his decision, but aware of the old arguments, the analyzing, assuming, the old stories, the old energy, the old reactions, the familiar reactions... so giving these thoughts lots of space and am more curious than absorbed by them.... this makes life simple, if I could just remember and not get hooked in the dream. What a perfect in-your-face life to practice with, haha. Glad you're all a part of it,
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