...that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way -- that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.
For me anger is the feeling that follows disappointment. I catch myself planning what will happen next (what I’ve decided Should happen next) as opposed to accepting life as it unfolds. If things don’t go according to my plan, I’m disappointed. I’d like to be pleasantly surprised with the unexpected outcome or just take the next step instead of being upset, falling out of balance. I practice reeling my thoughts back from my future to what’s happening right now. Accepting life as it is. I’m a recovering control freak.
Yesterday I had a great opportunity to practice allowing things to be however they are without flipping out if my expectations are not met. I’ve been searching for a freestanding pantry for my kitchen and finally found it online through Ikea. It’s easy to assemble and they deliver. Only the freaking thing arrived with hundreds of parts and to assemble it is way out of my comfort zone. Disappointed? Angry at myself? Frustrated? Yes and as I was unpacking the darn thing and realizing the problem I was stuck with, the battery on my smoke detector died and began a loud warning beeping.
“Shit. I was so waiting for that pantry so I could organize my kitchen and my life, start eating healthy and have time to exercise”.
I replaced the battery in the fire alarm. I called Ikea, and customer service politely informed me; “it’s Easy to assemble a pantry, a child could do it”. I tried explain that I have several projects going already, I don’t have Time for another project, but they had already hung up. I then unpacked the hundred and one parts of my new cupboard and carefully stacked them out of the way to be dealt with later. Much later.
The truth is I’m always procrastinating getting on with my life until things are Just So. And at the same time I’m packing in the new projects so I’ll never realize that Just So Perfect World. What would happen if things got really unsettled as in a tsunami, or earthquake or other disaster? I fall apart because I don’t have my dream cupboard. I get disappointed then angry and there is my excuse to postpone who I say I want to be. Well, yesterday I got lucky and was reminded I could just start being that person right now. No need to wait. Making excuses is easy. Being angry is easy. Changing outdated habits is harder. I witnessed the toxic reaction and chose the sustaining healing action instead. Instead of beating myself up with words, I gave myself a break and went for a swim.
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