Boldly Going Nowhere!

“What are you looking for”? “ Nothing in particular, if I do that, if I already know what I'm looking for, I won't see the things I'm not looking for”.

I identify myself as openminded, but that still implies a container that can only be opened so far. I open as far as I am able and unless I can escape the confines of my mind, I must stop. I think; What would it look like to have no opinion and no style that is my own? Could it be this attachment that my way is the only way is holding me back? To speak 'My Truth' is to speak my story. I know it's not the only story . But it's a pleasant story. And a worry story. A lack of trust story. A sincerely pretending story. It is my story yet I am becoming less inclined to stick to it.

What's beyond my story of Right and Wrong? Good and Bad? I'm hovering over myself, watching. This path is not a hobby, it's not a part time job. But what if I commit to giving up my story and fail to replace it? What if I replace it and can't get back from wherever it leads me? If I escape the confines of my mind, is this madness? I sit with these uncomfortable feelings. My eyes scatter over the truth of who I am. I'm so so tired and overwhelmed. And then I take a breathe, or have a good laugh. Good grief! My mind is so canny, filled with judgement and excuses hoping to keep me safe in my story even as my story melts into the mist.

“Imagine we are not just what we think we are. We are ALL THAT IS!”. 

 

There is something weird happening to me; the more serious and committed I am to to this spiritual journey, the more detached I am becoming. I'm tired of chopping myself up into bite sized understandable pieces. As the anxiety builds and I try to force myself through to the next level I feel like I'm going nowhere fast. And it's at that point I where accept where I am now; anxious, controlling, worried and going nowhere that I do connect to my inner self and live right here right now.