My love is loving me

I want to write a post about something that is key to my awareness at this time...I am finding in my life a lot of things are happening that are similar and it seems that I am the one that is creating these things in my life...,must be if they are all the same!  My living situation is messed up again and I have to move.  They don’t want to deal with tenants and especially tenants who ask them to repair things. My last landlady still is giving me a hard time about my damage deposit with no damage (truly).  My ex is threatening to cut off the kids university allowance if he has to pay me the money he owes me in our separation agreement.  ICBC cannot decide whether I am to blame for the other person going through the red light and have indicated that it will most likely be me.  My friend and lover has come back into the picture and to keep him in the picture – that is – to see him and be lovers requires that I accept that he can continue to see other women as well.  Oh and the principal at the school is not bullying me but bossing me around and acting like I don’t know my job or trying to find things out that I have failed to do correctly.  Wow...seems like everyone is out to get me.  If I didn’t know better I would become paranoid and believe that I am no good for anything! Unlovable!

Lennie and I have talked about the lover thing and what comes up for me as my learning is to just look at my reactions to this situation.  He wants to have this freedom and that is reality.  I have been fighting this reality for a long time.  So let him have what he needs and continue on with the relationship and see what feelings come up for me, not sharing them with him but taking that journey inward.  Rejection, jealousy, not being good enough, not being special... in terms of all other things in my life - what comes up for me?  That I am not good enough?  That I am to blame when things go wrong?  Guilt? Shame?  All of this is showing me wounds in myself.  It is like I have invited the lessons to me to find out who I am. Looking at the things that come up for me and staying in that mode is what will bring me the truth.  Not reacting and getting mad at the lover, the landlord, reacting to the principal, the ex husband.  What do these things bring up for me?  I wanted and often continue to want to leave.  Pack up and go, sell everything and go.  But here is where the work is.  Here is where I need to learn to be happy. Acceptance of the truth, seeing the truth, knowing that we all have the parasite and that others’ parasite is not mine or my issue.  Love them all instead of blame them all or blame myself  Knowing that this love that I express to them will come back to me.  Anger or jealousy or any of that will come back to me.  No one is loving me.  I am loving me by loving others.  It doesn’t matter who loves me because the love that I send out is the love for me too.  I don’t need the love and acceptance of another...I just need to be love...