"Need to Know" Character

The need to know..."Need to Know"...it's been so hard for me to write about these three words, even to the point of extreme distraction.  I would rather do Anything else besides sitting down and writing about it.  It's as though I don't know where to begin and where to end when I say these three words.  (Hhmm..look at that, I even need a beginning and an end)  My whole life, as I can remember, has been constructed with a plan.  I always "Need to know" what I'm doing... where I'm going and what I'm going to do when I get to where I'm going and how I'm doing it.  Writing that is hilarious, but yet this in truth is how I function.

 

Up until recently I really didn't even see this about myself and when it was brought to my attention, my mind was blank.  I simply could not understand or see... for within these three words my whole structure/frame of my life is built.  And to question this....well, so much would be revealed.  Needing a plan, needing to know, constantly creating a structure is safe for me and to take that all away I would then be in "I don't know".  My mind says it is impossible to function, to live in "I don't know".  As my awareness grows around the "Need to know"  I see how truly controlling I am.  It's as though Pandora's box has been opened.  (and I thought I opened Pandora's box 3 1/2 years ago)  I see that every action I take even with spirituality, my journey which I treasure...I have used, constructed, and built my special little frame to see only what I want to see.  And now here comes my big "I can't believe it" statement.  Oh...the projections and stories I weave just to keep my frame together...all of it run by my "Need to Know".

Underneath it all I found a huge amount of Fear.  So for now I sit with the fear as much as I can and do my best to be aware of when I am building up my structure.  I ask myself...who and what am I without needing to know, without my frame?  Who am I without all my stories and roles I play?  the questions go on...  When I do this my mind says a loud "I don't know", sometimes I freeze... sometimes I watch (and am gripped) with a total frantic story line which unfolds about how impossible it is to function...and on and on it goes.  And sometimes, just briefly, when my internal dialogue stops I feel something...something I can not put in words....and am left with the question...maybe just maybe...could it be possible to live in "I don't know?"