Where I am At- THE FLUCTUATOR

I decided to just start writing about where "I am at" and see if I can see a character forming from there.
I am reluctant. I am reluctant to say where I am at. I don't want to "do the work". I just want a magic book (The Four Agreements) to transform me just by reading it. And if that doesn't work, buy the next book, the Fifth Agreement to see what I missed and to correct my mistake.
I say I want to be Free, that I want to be completely healthy and healed.
Then I don't follow through with the actions. I don't sit and meditate every day. I don't get out and get exercise every day. I spend a lot of time on the computer, feeling crappy and thinking I "should" be doing something else but not stopping.
I obsessed over my relationship when we were broken up. I cried almost every day.
Now we are back together and I find that I am obsessing over it again but now its the lack of satisfaction that I feel being in the relationship. I say I want complete honesty yet I am afraid to speak my truth. Because my crazy mind will say that I don't know what is the truth. That I am crazy. I will think one thing one day and then change it completely the next day. Why put him through that? I think of all kinds of theories as to why I am feeling frustrated and end up not sharing anything. It also doesn't help that he tells me that he doesn't want to (and won't) talk about the relationship.
It seems that I only view life through two kinds of glasses. Either the Rose-coloured ones or the Dark Glasses. Either I am madly focusing on gratitude, appreciating what I like in my life, loving it when life seems to be going "my way". Or I am zooming down into despair, looking through the dark glasses, everything appears senseless and hopeless. I have a negative exchange with my lover and I want to break up with him.  I have a migraine for days and I want to die.  I want to get away from the dark SO much. I use a lot of energy trying to turn the negative into positive by rationalizing, by re-framing, by ignoring, by escaping. 
Lennie once suggested that I not keep trying to make lemonade out of the lemons.  That is my habit. How can I make this shitty ________ into something beautiful or at least minimally acceptable.
And if you haven't already noticed, I have the Dark Glasses on right now.
I have no answers.
I am not even sure what the questions are anyway.