Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters

I read this poem, and it  struck me as a great summary of the Toltec journey!!

I
I walk down the street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost - I am helpless
It isin't my fault,
It takes forever to find a way out

II
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isin't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit ... but,
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault
I get out immediately

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street!!!!

Description of Our Merry Band

PICNIC WITH RUMI

Out beyond ideas of right and wrong
There is a field
And out beyond that field

There is a harbour

Pack your bags
I'll meet you there

We'll sail out together
Into the vastness of night
With only the breeze to guide us
No idea where we're going
No idea when we'll return

Sometimes we'll doubt ourselves
Often we'll want to turn back
But the ocean will always remind us
That we had no choice
And never did

And then one morning
In the warm glow of sunrise
In that perfect calm
After a perfect storm
We will disappear

Leaving the vast ocean
And a cool southwesterly breeze
Blowing an empty boat
To destinations unknown

They will search for us
They will assume we went under
But we will know otherwise

And we will picnic with Rumi
Laughing like children
In that field
Beyond right and wrong


- by Jeff Foster

A Gift Of Love

Please listen to this Love-full music. Peace to you.

Love

Beautiful Chant for YOU

Chant by Snataum Kaur

Jeff Foster Quote

Jeff Foster sums it up again for me:

"My greatest spiritual guru has always been discomfort. 

Just sitting with pain or discomfort, without trying to escape in any way, without expectation, without a goal in mind, without seeking anything - that's the juicy place, the place of creative transformation, the place where mud turns to gold.

For many years, I would just sit with grief, frustration, anger, fear, pain, just resting in that bubbling, burning mess for hours and hours, without trying to escape or fix my experience, without hope, without a dream... until peace was discovered even in the midst of that storm, the unshakeable, non-conceptual, ever-present peace that I am, and have always been. 

Instead of trying to escape discomfort, we let discomfort reveal its deeper secrets. We sit with discomfort and watch all boundaries between 'me' and 'discomfort' melt away, until it is no longer 'me sitting with my discomfort' at all, and never was. We sit with frustration in the place where it has not yet coagulated into 'I am frustrated'. We sit with fear prior to the resurrection of the image 'I am the one who is afraid'. We sit with anger before the birth of our identity as 'the angry one'. We know ourselves as the vast open space, the boundless and identity-less ocean that welcomes all of these waves as its beloved children, returned home at last, home at last.

*

More on discovering deep peace even within seemingly uncomfortable experiences, in my new book 'The Deepest Acceptance': http://tinyurl.com/b79z76j

My "clearing"

I found this quote on Facebook. I have been thinking of ways to express where I was coming from on Saturday night. I thought this post hit on a lot of points that express it very well for me and wanted to share: 

New Moon in Scorpio – 2012
Posted by Jana Groscost Matthews in http://newmoonmanifesting.com/tag/new-moon-november-2012/

Be prepared to dig deep into the emotional pools with the New Moon in Scorpio on Tuesday, November 13, 2012 at 5:08pm EST (2:08pm PST). Our awareness is turned inward with transformative Scorpio as it pushes us to remove illusions and find our authentic selves.
Scorpio is a water sign, which rules our emotions. Experiencing a full range of emotions is a blessing and a curse of the human experience. Without an adequate understanding of how to process emotions they often get stuck within the physical body. With Scorpio we are perfectly positioned for a personal renewal at the deepest levels. We are prompted to let go of the stale behaviors and unresolved emotions in order to openly receive healthier perspectives. When we learn how to process what we are feeling instead of allowing the vibration of the emotions to stagnate within us, we become masters of our emotions instead of being controlled by them.
The New Moon in Scorpio is intensified with the Solar Eclipse that occurs on Wednesday November 14, 2012. Solar Eclipses occur with a New Moon. When the moon covers the sun during an eclipse was are prompted to go deeper within to clean out all the emotional clogs that hold us back from manifesting our deepest desires. Your inner wisdom is encouraging you to face and resolve them. Ask for guidance regarding the best way to face your issues. You’ll be amazed at the support you’ll receive when you follow through. When you avoid cleaning out the gunk, it continues to haunt you."

I am glad I didn't wait for these particular celestial events. I see this work as ongoing. I am VERY grateful Lennie had encouraged me to let "that" side of me out more and that I have a wonderful SAFE group of friends/fellow travellers, that can create a sacred space which gave me the strength to take a different action than my conditioned one of stuffing it back down.
I am continuing to receive insights from that experience. I trust that what came up for each and everyone of you to be opportunities to learn about one's self as well.
I is SO clear to me now, how what came up for me, had NOTHING to do with anyone's words or actions.  EXPECTATIONS ARE PRECONCEIVED DISAPPOINTMENTS
My intention is to learn to feel my disappointment, anger, hurt, whatever, and express it appropriately in the moment.
Oh my god, it seems so simple!!!
Anyway, thank you, thank you, thank you! I love you.

ROAD TO NOWHERE

Songwriters: BYRNE, DAVID / WEYMOUTH, TINA / FRANTZ, CHRIS / HARRISON, JERRY

Talking Heads

Boldly Going Nowhere!

“What are you looking for”? “ Nothing in particular, if I do that, if I already know what I'm looking for, I won't see the things I'm not looking for”.

I identify myself as openminded, but that still implies a container that can only be opened so far. I open as far as I am able and unless I can escape the confines of my mind, I must stop. I think; What would it look like to have no opinion and no style that is my own? Could it be this attachment that my way is the only way is holding me back? To speak 'My Truth' is to speak my story. I know it's not the only story . But it's a pleasant story. And a worry story. A lack of trust story. A sincerely pretending story. It is my story yet I am becoming less inclined to stick to it.

What's beyond my story of Right and Wrong? Good and Bad? I'm hovering over myself, watching. This path is not a hobby, it's not a part time job. But what if I commit to giving up my story and fail to replace it? What if I replace it and can't get back from wherever it leads me? If I escape the confines of my mind, is this madness? I sit with these uncomfortable feelings. My eyes scatter over the truth of who I am. I'm so so tired and overwhelmed. And then I take a breathe, or have a good laugh. Good grief! My mind is so canny, filled with judgement and excuses hoping to keep me safe in my story even as my story melts into the mist.

“Imagine we are not just what we think we are. We are ALL THAT IS!”. 

 

There is something weird happening to me; the more serious and committed I am to to this spiritual journey, the more detached I am becoming. I'm tired of chopping myself up into bite sized understandable pieces. As the anxiety builds and I try to force myself through to the next level I feel like I'm going nowhere fast. And it's at that point I where accept where I am now; anxious, controlling, worried and going nowhere that I do connect to my inner self and live right here right now.

Cracked Pot Story

 Seemed like a relevant story:

"An  elderly Chinese  woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends  of a pole which  she carried across her  neck.  One of the pots had  a crack in it  while the other pot was perfect and always delivered  a full  portion of water. At the end of the long walks from  the  stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half   full..   For a full two years this went on daily, with the   woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of   course, the perfect pot was proud of its   accomplishments.  But  the poor cracked pot  was ashamed of its own imperfection, and  miserable that it could  only do half of what it had been made to   do.
After   two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to   the woman one day by the stream. 'I  am ashamed of  myself, because this crack in my side causes water  to leak out  all the way back to your house.' The  old woman smiled,  'Did you notice that there are flowers on your  side of the path,  but not on the other pot's  side?' That's  because I have  always known about your flaw, so I planted flower  seeds on your  side of the path, and every day while we walk back,  you water  them.'  For  two years I  have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to  decorate the  table.  Without you  being  just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to  grace  the house.'  Each of us has our  own  unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that   make our lives together so very interesting and   rewarding. "

Reflecting what is!

Something to ponder!  How do we respond/react to what is reflected to us.  Someone says something about us, what we feel about what is said can be amazing opportunity to gain perspective on the character we use to interact with Life.  I find that I may feel good when nice things are said about me and may not feel good when "not nice" things are said.  Oh yes!  all about taking things personally, not a bad thing, but a way to get to know me better.  I find that the "not nice" is more often than not what I reject about me.  If you choose to explore this, do remember not to do so with a view to punishing yourself and making yourself feel bad about you.  I do believe we have turned a corner on this and we can view ourselves with tremendous compassion, "shining light" on darkness.

I believe also we are complex, not black and white, this or that.  Rather we are shades of all kinds of colours!  Imagine we are not just what we think we are.  We are ALL THAT IS!

ALL OF IT

‎"To try to avoid pain and to always seek pleasure will mean, much of the time, the non-acceptance of truth. It usually means the rejection of what is there. It means rejecting your experience. It means rejecting your consciousness. It means rejecting yourself. Now how is that going to lead to harmony and happiness? Sometimes your experience is painful. What are you going to do? It’s your experience. If you don’t want it, you have to throw it away. Then you throw away part of yourself. Well, how can you be happy if part of yourself is thrown away?" -A.H. Almaas

I would like to take this opportunity to continue the Beauty Chair.

I approve of your smoking.

I approve of your seeking comfort.

I approve of your eating more than enough.

I approve of your retreating to feel safe.

I approve of your longing for a partner.

I approve of your not participating.

I approve of your feeling of being overwhelmed.

I approve of your resistance to......._______.

I love ALL of you/me just the way I am in each moment.

The Mirror

I initially felt resistance in doing the Beauty Chair, it felt like work and I was telling my self that I was exhausted.
But I want to say VERY CLEARLY,  that I Love, Loved the Beauty Chair!!!! It felt like a very positive, excellent use of the state we were in. It felt like it strengthened what is Truth. Listening to everyone's outpouring of Love filled me with light.
I am enjoying looking at Everything as my reflection now.
At all times, there are opportunities presenting themselves for me to appreciate (and Approve of) my reflection.

MerryOnes!!!!

I love you all so much!! We are courageous, authentic, beautiful, adventurous, unique, fun, willing, eager, open, loving, determined.......

Take Aways from the Merry Ones

Retain the feeling of being nurtured and find new ways to nurture myself

Explore that "sense" of being held. Trust that I can take action and let go, knowing that I will be held

Do gazing in the mirror and explore the "not good enough story". Look to see what it wants to show  and where it takes me, and where it connects to. What is the root?

Savour that feeling of being vulnerable and open in a good way.

Stalk "disapproval" and look for ways I tune out and resist

Examine stories I am telling myself about moving out of my "spiritual" comfort level. Trust that I can find my way through new and unfamiliar territory.

Feathers Falling From the Sky

Trying to watch and observe each day  to see what comes up.. today a day of feathers! Everywhere I went, a feather would fall into my vision; walking to the store, a feather on my car, on the sidewalk, a photo - it seemed persistent throughout the day - was it the spirit world calling me? I tried to sit with the feather to see what message it might have - a  reminder to acknowledge the invisible world, to look past the "clock time" and to recognize the " silent language" that surrounds me at all time. It was me reminding me to stay present in full awareness - to acknowledge the presence of  spirit as part of my being and to "see" beyond the image of the feather. It was the air calling me; using breath to take flight..

Self Care and Self Love

In keeping my word to carry the energy of Self Love and Self Care, I took myself on a mini vacation. I drove up island to my brother's place on Malcolm Island and spent 2 glorious days there, being catered to. My brother and his wife have a beautiful home nestled on 10 acres on a lovely bay. Scotia, Bodhi and I had a wonderful guest room, with french doors leading out to a patio that overlooked the water. They took us on their boat and we toured the Broughton Islands, taking in one breath-taking sight after another- a whale, a mass of sea lions in their wild habitat, otters swimming right by us,  He nosed the boat carefully up to tiny islands that hardly any humans visit, where Scotia and I happily scooted around picking up one giant eagle feather after another. Another island was an otters picnic site and we found some lovely abalone shells and more eagle feathers. The next day we hiked to the wild, wild forest to a grandmother Cedar tree that is 35 feet around, and then to the pebble beach where the whales come to rub their bellys. Scored a polished heart rock. Polished by the whales!  This was "my" type of vacation alright.
Love to me!

Birthday

Happy Birthday Merry One! Enjoy all your colours and enjoy self care and love every day.

merry one also says

Merry Ones
I'm sure you are carrying and  manifesting all those powerful words from the Beauty Seat ( aka hot seat!). Last eve, brain was not engaged so here is a memory boost.
Janice - compassion
Claire -  beautiful
Blanka - strength
Stanko - self love/change
Jennie - self-care/self-love
Anne - courage
Susan - wisdom

Lennie, thanks for being fierce and kind all at once.


all my beautiful children!  my heart is so full of love for you.
with all my love and more,

merry one

Merry One Speaks

I seem to be shifting from one extreme to another. Was so deep in my "blissful state" that I  tripped myself up. Today a family encounter so triggered me I was drawn back into an old  default position.   At same time  felt like I was in a dreamworld observing my reactions with a calm detachment  that wanted me to stay present and not withdraw into guilt!!! After feeling so heightened at saltspring,  it felt so harsh to  find myself reacting with old patterns. Wow, the power of habit!   I recognize this old energy and used the standing stalking to clear it out. Lots of different emotions have surfaced in last 24 hours; maybe old energy wanting to be transformed.

Yes, do be aware of old habits/old energy.  Check in with yourself, what do you choose? to see what learning is presenting, or if you know what the learning is, what action to be taken?


Yes, talk about an energy shift. For me too. I came home to a confusing upset at work involving my son. My boss even went so far as to say that she does not consider Caley an employee, just someone that I get to cover my own shifts. Yet she made a big to-do in the beginning, by saying she had to interview him (though she had never interviewed any other employee before or since!!!!) and she did and SHE hired him. 
What was the upset? He emailed her and asked her for a character reference. He had meant to say work reference and corrected it with another email. She basically said because he wouldn't take no for the first email that he was harassing her and maybe he shouldn't even work at the care home.......

So, with awareness I can feel that my default position is to completely freak out. "Its not fair" Its crazy. I can't trust her. Then I feel it spiraling up to, I hate my job. I want to quit.

Then ALL manner of paranoid thoughts are flooding in. "What else does she think?" "Does she secretly hate me?" Are the other workers in on it?"


Now, I can tune into the energy we felt Saturday. Remember?


No thoughts.. Easy still presence. Life takes care of itself. I don't need to read anything into this. 

The buck stops here. 

I don't believe the thoughts. What will unfold....will unfold. It won't be because I am in there fiddling with it. Caley already told me to back off and not to worry about it. He will get another job somewhere else.

Oh but the Unfairness!, screams my mind!

It REALLY is not worth losing that peace that I had. It really isn't. I am breathing deep right now. Just writing it out here is helping. I can focus on the problem and give it more reality or I can focus on Self Love and Self Care and make THAT a reality.

I went swimming yesterday at the Sooke River....I thought there couldn't be a more beautiful place than Nanaimo River.....but there is!!! It was paradise!! Scotia and I and the 2 dogs swam up river, from deep pool to cascading waterfull to whirl pool to deep chasm to another gorgeous waterfall ....it was magic. I will post a photo on the blog.


The standing stalking is the MOST powerful tool for me now. I came away from our week-end very detached and spaced out. Like I was floating over myself. I haven't felt the triggers I usually fall for. This morning after two days in La La Land, I did the standing staking. It helped bring me back into my world, blend the two realities. I feel like the way I was on Salt Spring was so new and welcomed that I wanted to escape into it. Like it was a powerful drug and I didn't have control of it, just floated blissfully along. This morning I woke with a start, like I'd been asleep at the wheel. I stalked the disconnect. I wrote out Lennie's words of wisdom "Yes, do be aware of old habits/old energy. Check in with myself, what do I choose? See what learning is presenting, or if I know what the learning is, what action to be taken?" I put this on my bathroom mirror. It seems a helpful careful way to live both realities. 
Thank-you everyone. 

I came home to know internet (I am finally at the library)...someone took my IP address apparently!  Wierd how I feel disconnected without it yet I am watching it.  watching me in it.  It seems as other problems come up that they (the problems) are there to show me that they can be there and I can float through them.  Feeling a level of watching, but also a level of being with them, in them with no attachment...I am also in that space...I don't really want to do anything, just be in it, just watch and giggle...bought a meditation tape as I am going to get serious about that...but nothing else


Amazing day today - such synchronicities that seemed the Universe was shining down... everything flowed.  My inner life feels powerful and connected.  Today.  I feel very clear and grounded.  No expectations, at least right now.

I did not bring this up over the weekend, but there has been a lot of conflict for me about my husband working in the Middle East, me living here...  we never formally agreed to separate, but ended up living half way around the world from each other.   He emailed over the weekend saying that he's decided to leave Dubai and come home.  I've been asking him for the past 18 months to do just that, and his reply has been no.  For whatever reasons.  So now I'm conflicted about his decision, but aware of the old arguments, the analyzing, assuming, the old stories, the old energy, the old reactions, the familiar reactions...  so giving these thoughts lots of space and am more curious than absorbed by them.... this makes life simple, if I could just remember and not get hooked in the dream.  What a perfect in-your-face life to practice with, haha.  Glad you're all a part of it, 

Merry Ones "Check In" for August 3 Weekend

Group Check in -  Here were your check in comments for setting intent at beginning of weekend

Love the moment for what it is
Find the beauty in life as a portal to truth
Not sit on the fence but dive in - not worrying about "right or wrong"; follow my heart
Focus on accepting and surrendering to all the different colors of life
Find the point where I block and resist
Give myself the opportunity to " not"  like the moment
Focus on acceptance
Observe the tension between mind and heart
Speak the part I avoid
Explore anxiety and fear that I can't do things on my own. Find the place that I don't think I have inside
Trust that I am strong and can do things
Deepen my understanding about cycles in life and how they impact my internal/external life

Words from Lennie at the end of the weekend:

Own your power! Grab it and be it!
Make the leap
Recognize your own power and stop pretending you don't have it
No more returning to default positions.
Stop tip toeing around yourself
Stop pretending
Listen to your own wisdom
This is a full time job and not a hobby!

Hanging with the Merry Ones At Saltspring!

An intense weekend - intense in heat, sunlight, full  moon, sunrise mornings, late night "beauty circle" - everything felt heightened, reflective and intensified. Being on Mt. Maxwell at dawn was like standing at the cusp between different dimensions -I felt disoriented as if looking at the world through a screen. All my senses felt activated - my eyes, my hearing and smell. The world suddently felt like it was extending its heart towards us.  As I watched the sky turn red and pink, then intensify to gold, I wondered if I was dreaming or awake. Did it even matter? Everthing had a silent, slow and mythical quality to it - I wondered if this experience was directing me to wake up and view the world from a new perspective. Under the heat of the day, my body and brain dialed down, and all I could do was sit and observe. No energy to bustle around -silence was my voice. Shifting back to the world of language, we sat in the " beauty circle" and reflected our hearts back to each other. For a moment, I felt I could see the light  shine through each of us.  It was beautiful to witness everyone's truth, and better understand the power that "trusting the moment" can bring to our lives.

Sooke River

Om Bhur Bhuva Svaha Tat Savitur Varenyam Bhargo Devasya Dhimahi Dhiyo Yo Nah Prachodayat

The Drumming!!!

In case you all were missing Drum Sex. Here is a reminder. Drum Video

FORGIVENESS

(Nanaimo River) Realizing that I have been judging myself harshly and then judging myself for judging, I have been inspired to re-direct my energy to forgiveness practices. "If I have harmed anyone in anyway either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions I ask their forgiveness. If anyone has harmed me in anyway wither knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusions I forgive them. And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive I forgive myself for that. For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions, I forgive myself."0. ~Buddhist Forgiveness Prayer

June 23, The Day of the Last Judgement!!!

At the gathering, we joked calling June 23 the Day of the Last Judgement and that endless cycle of judging our judgements. The challenge of those words keeps ringing in my ears. I imagine myself living free and unattached to stories and judgements. Even as I write,a pang of fear arises at the thought of living on the high wire! I keep reflecting on Sleeping Beauty, the Black Fairy and all the Grimm Fairy Tale characters we had explored. For me, they carried so many clues + insights - Sleeping Beauty awaiting that kiss of consciousness, and the Black Fairy, a reminder of those aspects of ourselves we don't invite to the party! They are such great stories of innocence, trauma and transformation - but in the end, the energy always seems to turn back to the light for resolution. I am trying to examine my life like those fairy tales, recognizing those archtypical patterns, stalking them, and creating my own transformations. I often forget that the journey is our choice whether we are aware of it or not. Like Jennie says, we are the only game in town!!

Self First!!!

"If you want to awaken all of humanity, then awaken all of yourself. If you want to eliminate the suffering in the world, then eliminate all that is dark and negative in yourself. Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation." --Lao Tzu

The Only Game In Town

Dear Merry Ones,
From my point of view, exploring the depths of who/what I am is the Only game in town.
Until I master loving my Self unconditionally, I do not think I can offer that to anyone or anything else. 
Besides, I am always available to be with. Life seems to be holographic, what I do to a part, effects the whole. I only need to know myself in Truth to know all of it.
"Spirituality is not a belief system or ideology. It is the surrender of one's ego to the infinite wisdom and knowledge that is the universe."


And so it is.

Bruce Lee tells it like it is
Youtube

I Don't Know

This is my theme song, by The Sheepdogs from Saskatchewan.
........I Don't Know........

Happy Spring

Quiet Ye Voices

http://youtu.be/7uK3qm7CW2A

'And if our hearts or their hearts shatter...Quiet ye voices...Quiet....Hhhhmmm...Hmmm...
It really doesn't matter...Quiet ye voices...Quiet...
Everything is fine....
Quiet ye voices...Quiet...'

The Journey

 

The Journey

by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice-

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my Life!”

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with it’s stiff fingers

at the very foundations-

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left the voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice,

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do-

determined to save

the only life you could save.

Walls

A song I came across that reminded me of the early days on our journey when I first discovered "The brick walls" my self created brick walls. I was so frightened and angry then and now still seeing the self created walls but with a gentleness and understanding that they keep coming down. Watching this video, listening to the melody, rhythm and the whole creativity in putting it together so playfully reminded me of all of us. So I dedicate this song to Life, myself, our teacher/mentor/mirror Lennie and to each and everyone one of us. I am so grateful for what we all created together. Lets keep going, and who knows maybe we will create our own song and even write that book!

http://youtu.be/CgIMUsh1sVM

Love you all!

 

I love at the end when they all started howling like a wolf.  Made me smile and reminded me of us. 

S*#t Toltecs Say

Dear Ones,


I am passing on one of the many videos circulating the net about different memes on What the S#*t folks say.
This one is on What the S#*t Yogis Say


I think we should compose one on The S#*t Toltecs Say


I hope this brings a chuckle or two. Much love.

Know Thyself

"Possess, obsess, request... ulterior motive at the back of ones mind, and only you are conscious of."   These words echo in my being over and over again.  And there it was!  The internal dialogue started... No, not me... I don't do this.  As I listened to it all... it is all me.  I possess, obsess, request.... and oh yes the ulterior motive at the back of my mind.  That one I saw like flash cards always lingering there at times when I said I loved and also with many other things. The ulterior motive, if I really look it's always there posing as the warrior.  I haven't been loving.. I've been secretly taking, wanting, needing, protecting.   All along my mind saying that I have been betrayed over and over again.... No, I betrayed myself with my Tainted Love.  The mask which I didn't even know I had....this mask which has now been seen...
http://youtu.be/DqgVMJXBOsw
Untainted Love
'Love that does not possess, obsess, request.  has no "ulterior motive" at the back of ones mind...been practicing that love.  And any things that you may be doing as well, and only you are conscious of.  In this case.... we are in the same boat.  I'm not judging you...judging myself... and then...I give it to you.'


Got to keep on walking.....

Storytelling Ourselves

Hello Merry Ones,

This is interesting site that my friend is involved in -  
http://ttbook.org/book/story-you

It's all about how we tell stories about ourselves -  to ourselves and others;  how themes change over time in our stories.  It's all "toltec", framed in a different way. We are just a mental construct... perfect!

Letting go of resistance. Again.

 

Letting go of resistance. Again.

One more time I face my uncomfortable self.

The desire to slide into the old patterns is strong.

The familiar, the safe,

the rut I have spent my life creating.

If I pause and do a brief stalking of my feelings

If I breathe a moment

If don’t have the answer ready before

I’m sure of the question.

This is a vulnerable place

giving up my precious control

 my perceived power.

I think I’m being true to myself if I give into my egos

desire.

Right here is my sticky place.

I am afraid.

If I go through instead of circumnavigate

If I am the change I keep saying I want to be

If I let go of this resistance

to take the next step.

I stalk this fear of resistance.

Discomfort is a portal

a door into my next level

I resist the desire to flee from this discomfort.

Damn

One more time

I face my uncomfortable self.

I desire what I know or think I know.

I resist and

I let go of resistance.

Powerful Creatress

Mother Medicine

Releasing " the need to know" - embracing the "un understandable"

Becoming more & more aware of my attachment to the "need to know"... I am always trying to translate spiritual experiences into my mental framework -  I can feel my energy start to nose dive when I cloud my vision with the "need to know" attachment.  I am learning to take experiences of expansion at face value; to honor them without trying to lasoo and corral them into understandable chunks.. it's just my brain frightened by the expansiveness that has no recognizable form and shape.   I am trying to embrace  my "un - understandable"!! 

What My Mom Said.....

This is the email my Mom had sent to me a few months before she died.
Wow, it is loaded with many beliefs that I know I fell prey to as I was growing up.
When she sent this to me, I actually felt quite warmed by it, because it was her way of telling me that she thought I was amazing and that she didn't want me to feel bad about being single.
The sentiment, however doesn't work for me. It still implies,  #1. Waiting and #2. Someone outside myself to complete me
My wisdom tells me that time is not required (its now) and that NOTHING  is required.... (I am already complete.)
And as Lennie would say, I haven't caught up to this wisdom that is me now.... I am still acting like I am the person I used to be.
From this moment forward, I am going to ACT as if I am the complete-ness that is "me".

Bill Callahan

Ok, it turns out that I love melancholy music.
Here is a video that brings tears to my eyes.... just because his voice is so beautiful and unadorned. Anyway, I wanted to share it because I talked about him this weekend, how I love appreciating new music that comes my way.
"Nothing Rises to Meet Me"

lots of love

Finding Our Sound

I LOVED expressing our sounds together.

I felt energy move, I loved discovering interesting things "happening" like ease in flow of various sounds or of the way I held my lips or played with breath in my throat. 

Sometimes it seemed as though sound was coming through me on its own accord. I loved the magic of it and the companionship of exploring!!! It felt like we are just getting warmed up. 

Here is a band that I discovered a few years ago that I would like to share with you

Textures and pure sounds.

Here is  a link to  "Animal Collective "leaf house" 

Chidananda

Dear All,


Here is the Youtube of the chant:
"Chidananda"

Chidananda Mantra

Chidananda roopah shivoham shivoham

Manobuddhi ahamkara chita ni naham
Nachashotre jiv-hey nachaghrana netre
Nacha vioma bhoomir na tejoe na vayu

Chidananda roopah shivoham shivoham

Nachaprana saugno na vã puncha vayu
Navah sapto dhatoo navaa puncha koshah
Na waak pani paadam nachapasta paayu

Chidananda roopah shivoham shivoham

Na me dvãsha rago na me lobha mo-hoe
Mado naiva me naiva matsarya bhava
Na dharmo na chartoe na kaamo na Moksha

Chidananda roopah shivoham shivoham

Na punyam na paapam na saukyum na dhukham
Na mantro na tirtham name daa na yug na ha
Aham bhoja namnaiva bhojyam na bhokta

Chidananda roopah shivoham shivoham

Na mrootyur na shanka na me jaati bheda
Pita naiva me naiva maata na janma
Na bandhur na mitram gurunaiva shishya

Chidananda roopah shivoham shivoham

Aham nirvekalpo nirakaara roopo
Vibureviapya sarvatra sarvendriyani
Sadame samatvah na muktir na bandha

Chidananda roopah shivoham shivoham

I am eternal bliss, I am Shiva.

I am not the mind, intellect, ego, or re-consciousness. (chitta)
I am not the ears, tongue, nose or eyes.(the five senses)
I am not space, earth, fire or wind.

I am eternal bliss, I am Shiva.

I am not breathing (Prana) power, (Vayus).
the seven metals,  nor the five coverings(Pancha kosha)
I am not speech, hands, feet nor the rectum.

I am eternal bliss, I am Shiva.

I am not envy, anger, nor craving, nor desires (kama), nor attraction.
I am not arrogance nor pride nor religion,
nor duty(dharma) health, lust nor liberation(moksha).

I am eternal bliss, I am Shiva.

I am not virtue, vice, sin, joy nor sorrow.
I am not mantra, pilgrimage, offering, nor ritual fire.
I am not food, the eating, nor the one who eats.

I am eternal bliss, I am Shiva.

I am not death, doubt, nor discrimination of cast.
I am not father, mother or birth.
I am not brother, nor friend, nor guru, nor aspirant.

I am eternal bliss, I am Shiva.

I am beyond concept, beyond form.
I am all-pervading in all the senses.
I see equality in all things, I am neither liberated nor in bondage.

I am eternal bliss, I am Shiva.

Source: http://humanityhealing.net (http://s.tt/14DyY)